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Loneliness

I wear my lonely heart like a second skin.

I can never get away from the way I feel. This abyss of emptiness that fills me from the inside. I take in people, places, cultures, life, but I get back nothing in return. Sometimes I get so lonely that it amazes me when people cry about just how lonely it feels. Shouldn't it be natural to feel so alone? Shouldn't it be something that they are use to by now or is it just me?

I know - I could never feel the kind of loneliness that children who have been abandoned felt. I could never (for now) feel the kind of lonely of being left behind by an old lover, who leaves me waiting, repeating empty moments, wishing something will come from it. For the most part, sometimes I think my loneliness is self-inflected. I can't physical hurt myself, but I can hurt myself where it matters - inside.

Sometimes, though, my loneliness is something that I never asked for. There was never a time when I woke up and thought, "I like this empty feeling, I want it." There was never a switch that could go on and off. I wish there was a switch, though. I wish these feelings inside could be turned off and could be turned on at will.

Back when I use to watch The Vampire Diaries envied those vampires for their ability to do just thought; this capacity to turn off the humanity inside and just be cold and unfeeling. My mother and the majority of my family already believes that I am, but I wish I had the courage to tell them that I can't be as stone and cold as they believe. I thought I was once. I really thought I had cried my last tear and felt the last sorrow, but as it turned out, that was my mistake. I got too comfortably numb in that state, and in doing so, allowed that interior to defrost. By the time I came to college, I was willing to let myself try again. I mean, why not? My problems were in another city, and in my mind, another time. A time when I was helpless, a time when I let the world take me down and I just sat and waited, because really, what was the point fighting it? Me against the world, the world is going to win.

I should have learned my lesson. I always thought of myself as a relatively cautious person. I'm like the child who's warned not to touch the warm stove, but I have to touch it. I have to feel the purpose for why I can't touch this thing that's untouchable. And when I get burned, only then will I learn that I should never have done that. Afterwards, that's when the problems come though. I'm required to take a foreign language to complete my course requirement. I'm Hispanic and have been putting it off as much as possible. I've taken a Spanish class and I've been burned by it. The teacher and the people of it taught me the betrayal of it all, and the last thing I want is to relive it. This is why I didn't take a foreign language in high school, and why I don't want to now. I know it's irrational to let one moment control me in such a fashion, but I live an irrational life, with only several moments of horrible sanity that drive me to my breaking point.

Letting down my defenses, I've opened the door up for more pain. In a lot of ways, I'm glad that this is happening now. I'm glad I can know not to let my walls down, because the world is full of selfish, horrible people and it embarrasses and shames me to know that I'm part of this world.

I dive into the world of fiction and words because if there's one thing that they will never be filled, is with betrayal. I know what I will get when I come in here, I know to expect the cacophony that enters my head when I'm in this realm. But it's my realm, and it has yet to leave me stranded alone.

People - people betray and hurt. I give, without expecting anything back. Why give at all then if the purpose is to see something in return? Yet, what shocks me most is how some people just don't give at all. They are all too busy guarding their hearts away, protecting themselves, and they live much happier lives. Maybe I should follow their lead. Maybe I finally found the secret to happiness. Close the world out, because then, who can hurt you if you are encased in a chamber that no one can open. I'd never have to shed another tear again. 

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