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Holding On & Letting Go

I have wanted to write something down now for sometime on this subject. It wasn't until recently that I realized that maybe, just maybe it's time to do something I have never done before. I am terrible at letting go, and I don't just mean emotions or memories or people; I mean everything. I have kept so many things from my childhood, I still have old phone numbers from friends (even those that aren't and use to be) because some part of me keeps hoping that things will change. I have kept pictures, letters, journals, and even trinkets that I've picked up over the years - even those that have very bad memories attached.

While I'll probably star in an episode of Hoarders, I thought about letting go a lot. I don't do it because I feel like that's saying that the memory didn't matter, the moment had no significance - a 14 year old friendship completely gone and all that's left in the wake are ten digits. Letting go means changes, changes that I don't think I could ever handle.

For the longest time I use to be against change. I didn't like the idea of the Never Knows as I call them; one never knows what's around the corner, one never knows what will happen if they take that step - the world is full of them and I just hate them. And yet, even I'm old enough to look in the mirror and say, "I have changed." While my self-esteem is pretty non-existent, I'm no longer a fireball of emotions. I'm no longer the girl that relies on pills daily to get through life, who has therapy appointment upon therapy appointment. I'm not someone who contemplates different ways to die, anymore. I don't feel this shadow hanging over me of depression that has clung to me my whole life.

Yeah, the memory still lives. A lot of my problems - my depression, my eating disorder - they still linger nearby waiting for the moment when my defenses weaken. Honestly, I am so not crazy. In college when the stress hits me, and I mean hard, I don't know if I should sit there and cry or if I should head to the cafeteria and eat everything in sight and then spill it all out only to feel crappy about myself later. But I don't do it. Somehow, I just find a way to do something I never thought I would die: shrug, smile, and move on.

Crazy, right? Well, I think so anyways. "Everything has a silver lining" is a new motto I've picked up recently. And what makes it crazy is how right it is. When I don't sit down and think how badly the world is going to crumble, somehow things just get better. They don't end the way I like, but they don't end up worse than what would have happened when I would snap and overreact and blow it all out of proportion and create some weird and twisted snowball effect.

Geez, can I rant. All I wanted to talk about was a book I was writing and now I got caught up in all of this. I guess what I'm trying to say in this very long, drawn out entry is that I am finally okay with changes and okay with letting go. There is a lot that I'm still learning, you never stop last I heard, and right now is where all my attention will be focused on.

Quick update: I put up the first chapter of TTD on TWA and I'm a little nervous on how that will go. Some other works are getting some serious outlining but I hope that this will be a good year in writing. I'm hoping.

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