want to love you in no kind of way.

Sorry, I'm bored. So sleepy, which is weird since I slept all day.

Today I didn't go to school. Not that I was avoiding Dr. Howman (or was I?) but because I was just too tired to move and I just couldn't go. Ashley yelled at me because of it, which I understand because I just got a 3.0 for my GPA, which makes me so happy, but the end of the grading period is in two weeks and I have not turn in a single assignment, except for Sociology, but that's only because Ms. Huleskamp gave everyone until last Friday to turn in everything.

I think I've finally come to accept that Mock Trial is just not in my future, and that it won't make or break me in anyways. I'll admit that I wish I had something else to do to distract me from it, so I won't think about it, but it's important to our school and the only way I can avoid it if I move to another school or another city. I really don't want to burn anymore bridges, and I really don't want to burn a bridge with Dr. Howman. Not only do I need him for my senior year to write me a recommendation later, but also because he's a great guy - despite not listening to the students - and also because I don't want this to come and bite me in the ass later on. But I think I'll be okay. I decided to work as stage crew for the upcoming play as well as joining weight lifting for girl's in order to get warmed up for softball. Not to mention FBLA competition will be coming up in a couple of months, and since I want to do a presentation Mr. Christy wants me to get started on that right away. Tomorrow I'll be hanging out with my biology teacher trying to the whole Charles Darwin poster up for his book, and again I took that up because I wanted to get distracted.

Daymay is pregnant! I couldn't believe it, but she walked into bio on Monday, and her stomach was just OUT THERE and I'm like "Daymay, are you pregnant?" and she starts laughing while nodding her head. And then I'm like, "How far? " With my mouth hanging open of course, and she's like, "Five months." And we both start laughing and that was the same day when Howman kicked me out of Mock Trial, and I swear for that moment I was feeling so much better. Daymay's a senior and my stand partner from orchestra since I we were both in middle school, and she's been with the same guy since she was in middle school, the father of the baby. If it's a boy they plan to name him Jade, but if it's a girl they plan to name her Adrian. Daymay is like my sister to me, even though she's first and foremost my stand partner, even if she's not in orchestra this year, but this means I'm gonna be an aunt! I'm so happy! I honestly felt a huge weight lifting off of me when I saw Daymay, it's like "OMG, I never realized this before," and it just made me so much more happier and almost made the day bearable. She's hanging pretty low and hasn't been throwing up much, so our fingers are crossed that it'll be a girl!

Since I haven't been at school all day I was basically sleeping all day and I never did any of my APUSH homework (that's AP US History) or any Geometry homework! And those are the two classes I'm like falling so far behind! I guess I'll be up all night working on stuff (thank god Mum works 3rd shift!).

So turns out I have the biggest mouth in the known universe. No matter what I do something always seems to go wrong, why? Because I can't keep my mouth shut. Isn't it ironic one someone says their firm but fair and yet they listen to a bunch of heresay and what other people say in a high school building where things are said everyday about everyone and yet they are taken as facts. It wasn't bad enough I had one teacher say she didn't trust me, it wasn't bad enough for another teacher to say I was irresponisble, but the one teacher who's opinion matters the most to me says he doesn't believe me because of what he's been "hearing" around school and on those basis alone he decides I'm not good enough for the Mock Trial team, despite the fact that it is just about everything I want. I don't understand why someone like Dr. Howman would hold against me the past. He said he didn't trust me because of everything that happened last year, because according to him I'm the same person I was last year, yet according to people like Ms. Carlson who have known me since I was a Freshmen in high school they still believe I was worth a second chance.

According to Dr. Howman he's been hearing others say that I'm head attorney of the team this year, when I never said a thing like that before. I know well enough that I have to earn my place and yet he acts like I don't know that and it hurt when he said he didn't trust me and just looked at me with the face of a monster, like I was a monster. I can't be home, because for me home is not what it use to be, so where am I left to go? School. I stay as late as possible because I don't want to go and face my family, and school has always been my safe haven and now things there are slowly begining to crumble beneath my feet and the walls around my own school are beginning to crash on me and suffocate me, and soon those walls will destory me and I'll have nothing left. All I want is to prove to Dr. Howman I'm not the same person I was last year and that I'm everything he thought I was when he first met me, but I'm also human and last time I checked I always made mistakes, one of my many faults, and I always say things that manage to come bite me in the ass later on and yet nobody cares enough to listen to me when I try to make things right. So far Ms. Carlson has been the only one to do so and she's the only person who has no right to trust me whatsoever.

All I've ever wanted was to be a lawyer and sure Mock Trial won't matter for when I apply to law school or when I'm out there, but I need to know there's a place in school where everything makes sense and that my world isn't made up of being a faliure, wanna-be, liar, ugly, stupid, idiot, loser, no one because those are the words I hear each day when I come to school and I try to shut the voices out because that's not what I want to hear in a place that's supposed to be my sanctuary. I'm willing to give up FBLA, which is the one club I hate, poetry club, GSA, softball, and heaven forbid forensics. I'm willing to give everything I have worked for up until now if it means being back on the team and silencing the voices I hear everyday when I walk through school because everyone needs a place to feel something and school was that something to me but now it seems that it has all ended all because I spoke.

Damn me, and damn my mouth

I was hoping to do more, but I guess my 16k dream will be put on hold since I'm still not even half-way done with A Tale of Two Cities. Grr.

For the last two days I have been on and off on contemplating suicide. Of course I didn't go through with it since I'm still here, and despite this being completely and utterly depressing it is true. But I'm here, though I don't know why. I guess because you know that little voice in your head that tells you right from wrong, well it sounds a lot like some of my friends who care about me a lot and want me to be okay. So I was hearing their voices all around me and it was just not fair that they got to me.

Today I went to the annual leaf raking for Central Park and other parks. My feet are throbbing at this moment from being up and cleaning up so many yards but at least I got my community service in. I keep hearing from a lot of people who saw me there that either I was a senior or if I had graduated already, which is neither has obviously happened. One teacher thinks it's because I'm too mature and the principle thinks it's because I've been seen around school too much. I think it's the latter. I don't even leave school anymore until 8pm. Monday there's an emergency practice for Academic Decathalon, and I haven't even finished A Tale of Two Cities. (Though I did look it up on Wiki and it is amazing - or at least the last part.)

After I came back from leaf raking I decided to be completely random and I counted how many books I had. 93. Hehe. My ultimate goal is to get 125 before Christmas and 150 before the New Year. Mawhahaha.

I've put NaNo aside for today, but tomorrow I'll start writing and with any luck I'll jump 16k while attempting to read Charles Dickens and finishing all AP US History or APUSH homework.

Yay -sarcasm-

Later in the month I'll have a fresh list of books you should read but in the meantime what books should I read? Right now I'm in the middle of Inkheart and Revenge of the Witch.  They are both very good books. But I would love to see what you guys have been reading and to share that with me since I always love to read new materials.

This has been one of these worst weeks ever.

Though more I'll say in a minute.

I really need to pick up the slack.

NaNoWriMo has officially begun.

I can't believe it's getting so close to November now and soon I'll be starting Saving Jill. I've always thought about using Measure of a Man as my NaNo piece, but I doubt that it'll work out so well since I have no central plot-line for that story yet, well I don't have one for SJ either but whatever. MoaM at least has somewhat of a plot-line. I think. Either way I don't know exactly what I'll write about for SJ, like what order, but I guess that's the whole point of this is to.


Oh whatever. And I just realized I never finished book list #2.

So I have pink-eye again. Sucks like hell because I hate pink-eye, my eyes hurt like hell and I've been whipping the tears away since I awoke this morning. I missed school because of pink eye, and I hate missing school. Even though I really wish I wouldn't go back to school, but I still hate it because then I fall so far behind and I only have school until Weds anyways since Thursday and Friday we're off for Teachers Convention. Thursday I'm going to University of Minnesota with UB on our college tour and we'll be stopping by the Mall of America, hopefully I'll have cash by then.

And...I have almost figured out what my new story is about. Measure of a Man will be my first story told from a guys perspective and thanks to some songs (Billy Ray Cyrus "Cover to Cover", Breaking Benjamin "Diary of Jane", Ne-Yo "Lie to Me", and David Cook "Lie") I think I have an idea of what I want to write about. Also a big shout out to Kanye West, "Coldest Winter," "RobCop," "Heartless," "Bad News," "See You in My Nightmares," I think I have the story almost planned out.

If you listen to these songs you'll probably guess what the story will be about, but...there will actually be something a little extra in there to add some spice into it.

Okay, now time to give my new booklist, I figured I'll do this at least once a month. Here's what I've been reading and what you should consider reading.

The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown. You should have seen my reaction when I found out this book had come out and I had completely missed it. I ran the next day and bought this as fast as possible. As usual Dan Brown has not let me down - though if they plan to make a movie off this one they better do the book justice (you have no idea how my heart broke when I watched Angels and Demons and saw when Tom Hanks (Robert) wasn't in the helicopter instead on the ground!)
The Absolute Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie. I was laughing and I was crying all throughout the novel. I have to tell you that I loved this book, even if I never heard of the author before. There was even graphics to make the book more enjoyable. If you need a laugh this is the one, though not all of it is funny there are some really sad parts.
Dark Slayer by Christine Feehan. Of course everyone knows that she is my ultimate favorite author. But here's a tip never go from book 1 to book 19 in a series, because you will get lost. Anyhoo's, book is totally worth it and I loved it. My ultimate goal is to read and own all of her books. But the speed I read and the speed she writes can't compare.
A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. I won't say he's a bad author but this book had me sleeping in the first two pages. I have to read this for Academic Decathlon and it's supposedly suppose to get better but I don't know. Either way, worth checking out, or worth burning. You be the judge.
The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan. Read it for Multi-Culture Lit and found the book to be amazing. If your into history and family drama this is the book for you. Daughters stepping into their mother's shoes in the world of America back in the mid-1900s.
Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Again for Multi-Culture Lit and really this is one of those books you kind of have to be the judge of.
The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane by Katherine Howe. This is my teachers book actually and again one of those things you gotta read and determine. I read it and thought it was amazing.
The Shack by William P. Young.

that feeling like your head is underwater when you wake up in the morning and you can't tell left from right. This is one of those mornings.

Hello all.

Well I just came home, and it's like almost eleven, I was at school the whole time. Academic Decathlon. And I saw Steve today, my new therapist and he had the best idea ever. Okay, so I've had like two writing journals already to put all my ideas inside, but what I've never done is actually put my ideas inside, like the story ideas I have. They are just swimming in my brain, and they have to or else I'd forget since I have no time to write them down. So now I'll have to start a third writing journal where I simply put down the story ideas down and what will go on, like the main ideas, because main ideas are all ready to go, it's the details that I dread.

I know when becoming a writer things like that don't seem important because you have editors, but to me it's important since I'm a terrible self-critic, that's why I enjoy Nano because it just lets me write, while I force myself not to go back and fix something and just go on.

Now that I think of it this maybe a good idea.

Okay, so tired.

Night people.

Zzzzz....

P.S. New layout, just cause I was bored.

So far I haven't gotten the guts yet to actually start writing Measure of a Man but I think I know what it'll be about thanks to a couple of songs, (and my handsome husband Jesse McCartney!)

Snakes. And no I haven't because just seeing a snake is enough to make me pass out.

I pretty much want to start Saving Jill but I'm gonna have to wait until November before I can even get close to it. So to distract me I decided that I want to try writing something new, something different. It already has a title: The Measure of a Man, and this story is told from a males perspective. Now what exactly is going to happen? I have no idea. Will it be supernatural, sci-fi, YA tragedy (drama), or romance? Honestly I don't know. I just know the title and that a guy is telling it. I don't even know the guys name. This is going to be extremely different and even difficult for me to write since I'm so use to writing from a female's perspective. So I decided to just write.

There are no names, and no real back story.

Dear God what am I doing? I need to start writing.

Nano starting up soon I may begin to post Saving Jill on The Write Away Community, or here even. Tell your friends.

But a new story, one with a totally a different perspective is coming out.

The Measure of a Man will be told from a teenage boy's perspective this time, instead of females like I'm use to, and so it should be interesting to see where it'll go. I'm pretty nervous though since I've never done anything like this before. Details will follow later.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/402915

So I'm doing Nano again this year. I did excellent last year when I completed my first novel Scarlett Rose, book one in the series, but at the moment that story is going under major construction because the personal critic in me kept bugging me that something about it was not finish yet, and now I'm rewriting it but on paper, which is a waste, but my laptop is acting like a bitch and the PC that I'm using doesn't have Microsoft Word installed into it so that's my last resort.

This years Nano will be Saving Jill. I haven't started the story yet, so I figured I'd just try to see what I'd write when I start to basically write a big pile of nothing next month.

Alright, nothing really new.

School's been a bitch. I just finished a big orchestra concert with some college kids from Upstate and it was pretty cool. We toured the campus and got to have free food, too much free food, and a really long bus ride, it was couch though, so should be better.

Nothing really else to tell.

I have strangely become obsessed with Kanye West music. Weird.

Seems like just yesterday it was only September.

Well the end of the grading period on Monday and so far things are looking semi-good. So far A's where I want them, but I want to see if I can achieve straight-A's for the first time ever on my report card. Idk how I'll pull that off without one or two B's, which I happen to foresee in my future, but  i have my fingers crossed hoping and praying.

Well nothing really new going on.

A few college tours.

But besides that nothing really. Orchestra has been a bitch. But nothing new there.

I'm tired. Someone shot me.

How to handle annoying freshmen?