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Loneliness

I wear my lonely heart like a second skin.

I can never get away from the way I feel. This abyss of emptiness that fills me from the inside. I take in people, places, cultures, life, but I get back nothing in return. Sometimes I get so lonely that it amazes me when people cry about just how lonely it feels. Shouldn't it be natural to feel so alone? Shouldn't it be something that they are use to by now or is it just me?

I know - I could never feel the kind of loneliness that children who have been abandoned felt. I could never (for now) feel the kind of lonely of being left behind by an old lover, who leaves me waiting, repeating empty moments, wishing something will come from it. For the most part, sometimes I think my loneliness is self-inflected. I can't physical hurt myself, but I can hurt myself where it matters - inside.

Sometimes, though, my loneliness is something that I never asked for. There was never a time when I woke up and thought, "I like this empty feeling, I want it." There was never a switch that could go on and off. I wish there was a switch, though. I wish these feelings inside could be turned off and could be turned on at will.

Back when I use to watch The Vampire Diaries envied those vampires for their ability to do just thought; this capacity to turn off the humanity inside and just be cold and unfeeling. My mother and the majority of my family already believes that I am, but I wish I had the courage to tell them that I can't be as stone and cold as they believe. I thought I was once. I really thought I had cried my last tear and felt the last sorrow, but as it turned out, that was my mistake. I got too comfortably numb in that state, and in doing so, allowed that interior to defrost. By the time I came to college, I was willing to let myself try again. I mean, why not? My problems were in another city, and in my mind, another time. A time when I was helpless, a time when I let the world take me down and I just sat and waited, because really, what was the point fighting it? Me against the world, the world is going to win.

I should have learned my lesson. I always thought of myself as a relatively cautious person. I'm like the child who's warned not to touch the warm stove, but I have to touch it. I have to feel the purpose for why I can't touch this thing that's untouchable. And when I get burned, only then will I learn that I should never have done that. Afterwards, that's when the problems come though. I'm required to take a foreign language to complete my course requirement. I'm Hispanic and have been putting it off as much as possible. I've taken a Spanish class and I've been burned by it. The teacher and the people of it taught me the betrayal of it all, and the last thing I want is to relive it. This is why I didn't take a foreign language in high school, and why I don't want to now. I know it's irrational to let one moment control me in such a fashion, but I live an irrational life, with only several moments of horrible sanity that drive me to my breaking point.

Letting down my defenses, I've opened the door up for more pain. In a lot of ways, I'm glad that this is happening now. I'm glad I can know not to let my walls down, because the world is full of selfish, horrible people and it embarrasses and shames me to know that I'm part of this world.

I dive into the world of fiction and words because if there's one thing that they will never be filled, is with betrayal. I know what I will get when I come in here, I know to expect the cacophony that enters my head when I'm in this realm. But it's my realm, and it has yet to leave me stranded alone.

People - people betray and hurt. I give, without expecting anything back. Why give at all then if the purpose is to see something in return? Yet, what shocks me most is how some people just don't give at all. They are all too busy guarding their hearts away, protecting themselves, and they live much happier lives. Maybe I should follow their lead. Maybe I finally found the secret to happiness. Close the world out, because then, who can hurt you if you are encased in a chamber that no one can open. I'd never have to shed another tear again. 

New Writing Journal

While I will still, somewhat, very sparingly, update this journal, and keep coming on here as there are other blogs I want to read, my new writing journal is over here: ceprantha.wordpress.com

I'm writing under a new alias: C.E. Prantha

ceprantha

Procrastination

::Part of the WRITING SERIES::
There's this little land in which I live. It's a land that gets more and more residency each day that someone pushes something back, and it is so easy to fall into that one just does not want to do anything

I call this Procrastination-landia.

I've pretty much accepted the fact that I'll never do things in a timely manner. I'm trying to slowly learn now that I'm in college and I don't really feel like pulling my hair out or having panic attacks one hour before class starts, but that doesn't mean that I've completely beaten the habit.

And when it comes to writing, I am the worst criminal.

There's a reason why first drafts take me an eternity. It's not just because I don't want to write it, but because I don't feel like it. The characters are there, lingering, communicating and doing actions, and I make note of all of it and try to keep it all in one place. Yet, when it comes time to pull things together I just don't want. I don't know if it's because I'm losing interest or if there's something intrinsically wrong with my current work, but I always push it back as much as possible.

So, I'm learning to do things a little differently this time around. Now that I've gotten into Filofax - one of the best planners in the world, in my opinion - I've learned to budget my time (something that I'll get into in another post). I'm putting time aside to even BLOG! I also sometimes think that it's really easy for me to say, "From here until the end of the year I can finish so-and-so" and obviously that's not how it happens. Instead,

Procrastinating is easy, but it is not as fulfilling as getting everything done when it needs to be done.

And in other news, I am finally on Tumblr. I think I made one awhile ago, but I don't remember. So, if you would like, come on over to Fireflies and Shattered Ice.

I will write to you guys later on.

Why Write?

::Part of the WRITING SERIES::

I was applying for an interview for Penguin earlier this year as part of an intern program I was trying to score. Somehow, I found time in my schedule to squeeze this one thing in, but when it came to following up and figuring out where I stood, obviously, I didn't do that. I didn't get the internship and I had to sit through a summer of complete and utter boredom.

As I was shifting things through my computer (something I do on occasion when I try to avoid writing) I saw my cover letter, resume, and a little essay that was involved with it.

The essay was basically why we like to do what we do and so on. I don't want to mention what I said because obviously I wrote it in some delusional exhaustion at three in the morning, most likely on my flight to D.C., and then I started to think about that. Why do I do what I like? Well, the obvious answer is that I like it. I mean, since the beginning of time mankind has been hardwired to like pleasure and avoid pain. If I like something, I like it because it gives me pleasure.

Yet, when I think about writing, I don't think pleasure. I think, headache-stomachache-temper-tantrum-crying-hair pulling-crying-screaming-crying-frustration-anxiety-and did I mention crying? I still do it though. I still think about my characters. Whenever I'm brave enough to speak to someone about my work I speak of my characters as if they were real. Whenever something goes absolutely right in my work, I get excited and want to keep doing it.

But, why do I write? I think the basic reason is that, if given a choice, I wouldn't be able to not write. Yeah, I do it sparingly and whenever I can squeeze in five minutes of writing or planning, but I still do it. I can do a million things, some of them are watching online TV which is my favorite pass time, so obviously I like it and I do despite all that I have listed above.

I think, when it comes right down to it, writing does something for me. I grew up with a pessimistic point of view. I hardly ever ever saw the good in things. I think a part of that was my depression, but also because I figured it was easy to go from black and white, one extreme to another. Shades of grey made everything muddy and confusing and just felt like too much work to look through.

When I got to college, I realized that my way of living was no life at all. I was never living, I was existing, so when I got to college I realized that I wanted to live my life as if I was actually living. So far, I have the absolutely best time of my life in college, and the worst time. I mean, we all have to be equal here, right?

I also started to realize that I could look at the world with a silver lining. I can see the positive in things, but that does not mean I am naive. As Walt Disney always said,

"I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter."

I saw the good, but never forgot about the bad. I take the bad and I throw it into my writing.

I came into a world of iron...to make into a world of gold. Dale Wasserman.

That's why I write. I create a world where I can through my negative energy.

So, Why Do You Write?

The List

Thea Rose and her friends are about to have a summer that could change their lives. At the doorsteps of college, separation, and new beginnings she uncovers a list: The List. Written long ago, it spells out all that Thea and her friends wanted to do before separating. It was whimsical and all for fun, the friends decide to try some of them, not realizing that they are about to step into a world of trouble when their fun leads them to run into a Mafia war, a cross country road trip, and the police hot on their tales. Now they just need to find their way home, and try to survive the summer before it changes them for the worst.

The List - List
Title: The Traitor Daughter
Author: Tomgirl
Primary Genre: Fantasy/Sci-Fi
Secondary Genre: Action/Adventure
Rating: M (Sexual Content/Violence)
Summary Marked a traitor Sonja Sarri is on the run from the people she once called her family. She has no one to turn to, no one expect mage-in-training, Devi. The crimes that she is accused of committing Sonja knows that she could not have done. Yet, the memories that could prove whether or not they could be true have been taken from her. Now Sonja and Devi must travel to the only being that could help them find her memories, but this will prove
difficult with a heavy price on her head. And enemies are everywhere.

Sonja Sarri copy copy
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THREE - SonjaCollapse )Author's NoteCollapse )

New Story Idea!

I love this! I got a new story idea while I was in the middle of battling my insomnia. I don't want to give too much away but it involves something that I personally have always had interest in: computer hacking.

Since it is still in the planning stages I can't reveal too much! But I hope it is good.

Holding On & Letting Go

I have wanted to write something down now for sometime on this subject. It wasn't until recently that I realized that maybe, just maybe it's time to do something I have never done before. I am terrible at letting go, and I don't just mean emotions or memories or people; I mean everything. I have kept so many things from my childhood, I still have old phone numbers from friends (even those that aren't and use to be) because some part of me keeps hoping that things will change. I have kept pictures, letters, journals, and even trinkets that I've picked up over the years - even those that have very bad memories attached.

While I'll probably star in an episode of Hoarders, I thought about letting go a lot. I don't do it because I feel like that's saying that the memory didn't matter, the moment had no significance - a 14 year old friendship completely gone and all that's left in the wake are ten digits. Letting go means changes, changes that I don't think I could ever handle.

For the longest time I use to be against change. I didn't like the idea of the Never Knows as I call them; one never knows what's around the corner, one never knows what will happen if they take that step - the world is full of them and I just hate them. And yet, even I'm old enough to look in the mirror and say, "I have changed." While my self-esteem is pretty non-existent, I'm no longer a fireball of emotions. I'm no longer the girl that relies on pills daily to get through life, who has therapy appointment upon therapy appointment. I'm not someone who contemplates different ways to die, anymore. I don't feel this shadow hanging over me of depression that has clung to me my whole life.

Yeah, the memory still lives. A lot of my problems - my depression, my eating disorder - they still linger nearby waiting for the moment when my defenses weaken. Honestly, I am so not crazy. In college when the stress hits me, and I mean hard, I don't know if I should sit there and cry or if I should head to the cafeteria and eat everything in sight and then spill it all out only to feel crappy about myself later. But I don't do it. Somehow, I just find a way to do something I never thought I would die: shrug, smile, and move on.

Crazy, right? Well, I think so anyways. "Everything has a silver lining" is a new motto I've picked up recently. And what makes it crazy is how right it is. When I don't sit down and think how badly the world is going to crumble, somehow things just get better. They don't end the way I like, but they don't end up worse than what would have happened when I would snap and overreact and blow it all out of proportion and create some weird and twisted snowball effect.

Geez, can I rant. All I wanted to talk about was a book I was writing and now I got caught up in all of this. I guess what I'm trying to say in this very long, drawn out entry is that I am finally okay with changes and okay with letting go. There is a lot that I'm still learning, you never stop last I heard, and right now is where all my attention will be focused on.

Quick update: I put up the first chapter of TTD on TWA and I'm a little nervous on how that will go. Some other works are getting some serious outlining but I hope that this will be a good year in writing. I'm hoping.